How to tell you been married a long ass time!

The kids are at grandma's house and your husband of 10 years in playing the Wii and you are surfing the internet instead of having living room sex in the kid-free house; which might not happen again for another 5-6 months at least if not longer.

Why does Sleep elude me?

I need to go to bed. I get tired; but as soon as I lie me down to sleep, I become wide awake. WHY??????

I am pretty active during the day-albeit I don't excerise like a fiend, but am active. I maintain a house, tend to 2 very active children, run errands. I even avoid taking a siesta during the day thinking this will help me sleep in my bed, but nothing. I even stop drinking caffeine in the afternoon, I drink milk, water or sugar free juice.

The best place I sleep at is on the couch after 3am.

I just want to sleep like a normal woman with her husband in their bed and not on the couch!

I NEED HELP!

Nasty.......

I have been having major writers block and a horrible case of insomnia. Sucks nasty.

On the subject of Nasty. I have a list of nasty stuff that I have encountered in my short time on Planet Earth.

1-Liver sausage. I know this is big in Europe and else where and I won't be doing my German heritage proud by knocking this crap, but please.....nasty.

2-Lima Bean-sicknast to the most. Yucky icky gross little green beans that are freakishly dry and bland tasting. Yes I tried and they would not go down my throat. I even tried to chase them down with chocolate milk-they refused to budge off my tongue. I did not savor them very much

3-Pepsi Natural-major yucko-hello my pop should never contain apple juice in it. Which is what it tastes like pour apple juice and pepsi in a cup and drink it. Nasty Nasty

4-Beets-OMG the smell is nasty to me, the texture-hello slime. um no.

5-Cottage cheese with Peaches in it. Um plain ass gross....chunky and slimy all mixed together for major gross fest.

6-Any Hamburger Helper-I call this Shit in a box and add meat. It might have to do with the fact when I did work and come home late, this is all the hubby knew how to make and I grew tired of it.

7-Chef Boyardee-crap in a can....the smell is nasty. Will only eat if there is a food emergency-meaning there is no food in house and I am starving and all I can find to eat is this crap in a can.

8-Bitter tasting coffee that can be downed no matter how much cream and sugar is poured into it.

9-Cranberries....I do not like them at all, the taste-bitter, the texture-blech.

10-I am a steak girl. I love a good juicy thick medium rare steak and there has to be marbling in the meat to give it flavor. Please do not try to feed me london broil and call it good or a flank steak and say it is savory. Please give me filet mignons, rib eyes, NY strips or prime rib.

yes I have tried all the above much to my displeasure.

Twitter knows me today

You may feel quite talkative today, yet still want to be left alone. You aren't up for the noise of too much social interaction and would do well to avoid parties and other gatherings of large groups of people. You would do better now in a meaningful one-on-one conversation with someone who seeks you out, rather than trying to be accepted by a club or a clique.....

I think the planet of Uranus and Earth are mis aligned for once, b/c all I feel like is my anus is taking a foot slamming with crap that has been unloaded on me.

It is strange that this is exactly how I feel today. I want to be near people, but please refrain from talking/looking/breathing on me. I appreciate it. I warned my kids that mommy was in a pissy mode today-I gave them warning and they took a smart route and stayed in their rooms most of day and left me alone, expect for food.

My Washing Machine Adventures.

So I was doing laundry last week-it had to be done, I ran out of my 21st pair of undies. So as I was unloading I noticed my carpet is wet. WTF? My laundry room is upstairs (I love that all bedrooms are near machine) and the drain/overflow bin that goes under the washer is full. I am like WTH? So I grab dirty towels to soak up water and try to dry carpet. My father in law comes over to help me empty this pan. We get it was drained and I find mucho crap under machine-ie toys. I am like okay whatev. I turn machine on again and overflow pan starts to fill up. Call Whirlpool and schedule service to machine. I called Monday morning, scheduled appt for first available which is Thursday. Ok.

Take clothing stock-decide we aren't going anywhere and the week will be known as pajama week.

Service guy comes out and takes apart the machine. What does he find? That the pump has a crack in it. Okay-now remember this machine is less than 2 years old. Then he holds up this little fucking gem of what caused the crack . I am like how in the hell does a coin go internal and cause havoc? He is like check your pockets-I do this-okay not all the time, but you think a coin will never make it past the little drain holes. So then he is like do you want me to fix the machine? Um no, please put it back broken I enjoy not doing laundry. Really I hate doing laundry, but I am not a overpaid celebrity and has the luxury to buy new clothes everyday.

Then he is all done and ran a diagnostic on the machine, and some P51 code came up and apparently this fucking gem of a washing machine by Whirlpool is not your standard motor-nope it is run my fucking magnets??????? And that code is to sense where magnets are and it will eventually stop working. I am like Whirlpool wants to fuck me in my ass, huh? Yes I really said this to the service man-I mean a piece of shit motor that is ripped apart by a fucking nickel c'mon!!!!! I told hubby about this and since we don't have luxury of shopping for new washer, he is like fix it and get extended warranty on it. I think hubby really wanted clean underwear-i kept telling him to turn them inside out.....it works as long as there aren't shit tracks present. LOL....he really thinks I am nuts for telling him that.

The hubby was all thrilled to the basket full of boxer briefs on his bed to be put away when he got home from work.

The Chocolate Muffin Incident

So I made Chocolate muffins the other day. They are your basic, open the box add egg and milk and drop by spoonfuls try not to eat the batter raw muffins. I cooked according to box.....I took them out and kids were screaming for them. I told them they had to wait to cool down. So my chocolate loving son went upstairs got the mobile fan and moved the stool over to the outlet near stove, plugged it in and turned it on by muffins. 2.3 seconds later comes to me and asks if this will help?



Apparently, he had to test the muffin out before it was cool as evidenced by the finger dent in bottom right hand corner of muffin pan. The fan really did help cool muffin down to consume all 12 by 2 kids in 6 minutes flat. I wouldn't know if they were good-I got none.

Cubs and Birds!

My house bleeds blue and red in the spring, summer and early fall. We are die hard Cubs fans, no if ands or butts about it. So we played the MN Twins and Twins won Friday and Saturday, the odds of the Cubbies winning was low. Jason was worried we were going to view a losing game. Well we got all decked out in our Cubbies shirts and hats and away we went! We arrived and watched the Twins score the first run...oh no...this is never good. Then the Cubs went and scored in the 4th....whew...tied game. Do potty run with kids miss an entire inning.

Side note I took Jacob (my 5 year old) to the bathroom and some vendor started yelling at me, b/c I was taking my kid to the men's bathroom and I told him I am explaining to my kid that I will be right out here and he needs to go in there by himself. This hotdog vendor gives me the nastiest look ever and mumbles shut the door, she is going to look at men's dicks. Um yeah....I get my rocks off on men peeing. Whatev, asshat.

Then in the 8th inning, there is a foul ball near me, but the balls goes on the roof and scares some of these: I then proceeded to get shit on and I am thinking getting shit on by a sea gull is never a good thing. The 8th and top of 9th inning go by no score. I am thinking if my Cubs lose I am going to shot me some birds, for shitting on me. Jason laughed at me, Jacob was freaking out cause he got some seagull shit on him as well.










Then the bottom of the 9th and the bases are loaded. My Man Ryan Theriot-he is HOT-is up to bat! He hits a line drive to bring in a run to win the game! OMG the crowd was wild, Jason, the man that is calm and collected and rarely shows emotion is up on his feet screaming. I am screaming and we all singing Go Cubs Go. What a great game! This is why we are Die hard Cub fans! We never give up hope.